*The almighty forgotten draft. This forgot to post when it was supposed to be slotted, so here it is as a bonus post! If you’d like to catch up on the archives, or just want to throw me a fistful of bucks, feel free to upgrade to a paid subscription. I’d love you forever. Thanks again!
It’s comforting, and somehow embarrassing to feel like I don’t have to lock my shed where I live. The only things worth stealing are some cheap wood, unfinished birdhouses, broken tools and my motorcycle that gets ridden twice a year, like birthday sex. If one were to be so brave, good luck getting that bike out of the shed. It’s wedged between the refrigerator and the sink, surrounded by bags of concrete, with an inch of wiggle room to dislodge the 800-pound beast. Once the handlebars are locked, forget about it. You’d have a better chance of breaking into my house, and asking me for the keys.
I like to wear a lot of hats, metaphorically speaking. A normal day for me consists of a painters hat, a carpenters hat, and a woodworkers’, whatever that would look like, assumedly made of wood. Today, I donned the hats of electrician, drywaller, cleaner, and architect, but none of them suited me. They were either frumpy, or didn’t match my outfit, out of style or indigent. Like Groucho Marx, I switched characters interchangeably to complete three quarters of a bunch of projects, completing none.
While playing electrical engineer, I touched some hot wires together without turning the breaker off, knowing that it would short the fuse. I do this regularly, but today it didn’t work. It instead popped in my hand, blowing me off of the ladder and onto my side, as if had leaped from the top rung. I’m currently looking for a corner to stand in, while wearing a dunce cap, metaphorically speaking.
The breaker was all the way on the other side of the house, and I was too lazy to make the trek. It felt miles away. Uphill. Both ways, and I didn’t have the stamina. This was probably against OSHA standards, but since I grew up fatherless, I had to teach myself helpful hints around the house. Some are useful. Some are life threatening, but that’s all the fun in living.
The possibility of being murdered at any moment keeps life interesting, so why not touch two wires together?
“Wooooow,” I’ll say with my eyes wide, hands over my gaped mouth. “I can’t believe it. It’s just so...Wow,” the flickering lights, half-working.
It’s like those renovation TV show house reveals that show the before and after, even though not much has changed. A once tan paint now has a touch of yellow in the color, with some different curtains, and an area rug. The lamp is in a different spot, still ugly as ever, and the new lampshade can’t take the focus off of the 28” ceramic salmon on the end table.
Unlike the owner of that lamp, I’ve learned my lesson to not touch the wires together, almost as much as I’ve learned to stop tonguing a 9-volt battery for energy. Whenever I’m doing electrical work and feeling lazy, or depressed, I’ll tap the wires together to see what happens. It beats walking to the other side of the house, and I get to live a little, for the time being.
Worse than that is when the shed light stays on overnight, begging to be broken into as I sleep. After my late night marijuana medication and tea, it’s a task to walk the yard to turn off the shed. I Wished I had a switch, or some long wires to touch together from the house. I’d feel bad asking Ash to do it, even with the dog by her side, since it’s usually dark and full of bloodsucking bugs. Fortunately, I’ve never had anybody try to break in, but perhaps I should look for the keys.
I also need to buy a, “How to” book on being a man, since I was never taught those things growing up. I bet, “Lock the shed” would be somewhere in the first three pages, and, “Don’t touch the wires together, you lazy idiot!,” would be somewhere before that.
Good thing I’m writing this stuff down. I’ll learn one day. Slowly, but slowly.
“The possibility of being murdered at any moment keeps life interesting, so why not touch two wires together? “
Genuinely laughed out loud at that. Also- relatable. 😅
I once worked on a farm with horses. Guess how I once tested if the electric wiring fencing then in was working.